How To Not Sell Your Horse-Horse Joke

by Rebecca on June 6, 2008

in Animal Jokes

by Annamaria Tadlock
http://www.UltimateHorseSite.com

This is a guide to not selling your horse online, including excerpts from
real horse ads! Snippets of images and text were taken from sale horse
sites, to be used for parody.

PHOTOGRAPHY

Take photos of your horse when he is at leisure in the pasture. If he is
dirty and shaggy, that just goes to show us how natural your ownership
skills are.

Why would you go to the effort to brush or bathe your horse to make him
artificially clean when you could be doing better things like breeding more
horses or dogs?

Take pictures when he is not standing even, so potential buyers think he has
a special number of legs—maybe 3, or if you can get a post or object in
the background, maybe 5 or more! Missing or extra legs helps catch the eye
of viewers.
pic

pic

Accentuate his head. Make sure he is standing with his head facing you
so that his head appears three times larger than his body. Alternate this
with photos that show us just the horse’s butt; we all know this type of
photo is flattering for horses and people.

Never provide a clear conformation shot that shows what the horse
actually looks like.

TEMPERAMENT

It is absolutely necessary to illustrate that your 3-year old grade stud
horse is safe by including photos of a small, unhelmeted child clinging to
its unsaddled back while loose in the pasture. Extra points if there are
loose horses and other potential hazards in the background. Only someone
unconfident of their horse’s perfect disposition would cringe at the thought
of this.

You may also want to include photos of your horse in front of crappy fencing,
preferably barbed wire and falling down. Random crap in the pasture is a
plus too. This shows that your horse is smart enough to never get injured on
dangerous objects. No one wants a horse stupid enough to get sliced up on
barbed wire!

BLOODLINES

Tell potential buyers about your horse’s bloodlines:
“Her sire is a red/white paint stallion. Her dam is a black grade.”
If this person hadn’t mentioned it, we might have thought her dam was a
chestnut grade and her sire was a palomino! Thank God they made it so clear!

If your horse resembles a rhinoceros, goat, or ostrich more than an
equine, make sure you list off the horse’s breeding so buyers will know for
sure it really is a horse:

“Has Impressive, Obvious Conclusion, Zippo Pine Bar, Conclusive lines!”

REGISTRATION

When you say, “Can be registered, I just never did it”, this shows
us that you’re just so busy responsibly attending to your horses that you
couldn’t possibly have take ten minutes to do the paperwork!

Just look online; Registered horses are everywhere! Why breed a
“normal” quarter horse when you can breed a cross to a cross and create
something really x-ing special?

“Mother was a POA/Morgan and sire was a Canadian Horse.”

For example, this is an ad for an unregistered QH/Arab cross. It was
totally an excellent idea to breed her to a Morgan! That’s a total of two
horses and three breeds in one sale, all for the low price of $750! That’s
about .60 a pound!

“She has not been riden in about two years… She always produces nice foals
that are easy to handle. She is available after her current foal is weanded
or she can be purchaed now as a 2-in-1 for a reduced cost $750. 2008 foal is
a sorrel colt, half-morgan. She can also be bre back to a palamino Morgan
stallion or a cremello overo APHA if you would like. “

HEIGHT MEASUREMENTS

Everyone wants a horse that is 14.5 or 15.6.

Provide educated guesses about your horse’s future height. Nothing
says honest like posting your currently 2-year old 12-hand horse and saying:
“She will mature to be around 15.2 hands probably.”

Measure your horse someplace other than the withers (and don’t
provide the wither measurement):

“She is already 15-2 at the hip”

DON’T GELD BEFORE SELLING

Obviously, if your little stud is a well-behaved at two days old, he
will be for the rest of his life so there is no need to geld! If he doesn’t
try to get to mares by this age, he will never need special fencing or care.
Seller of a $350 unregistered yearling:

$100 additional fee if you want him gelded, but hes so well mannered you
probly dont want to!

Make sure you tell us that your colt or stallion is so sweet that
he’s able to be kept in a pen with mares and never breeds them! Nothing
sounds more normal and nonfictional than a mature stallion with no sex
drive, and nothing says trusting and confident like a stallion owner who
lets his stud run with mares they don’t want bred because they know he’d
never do something like that.

Stallions are all dangerous, flesh-eating hunks of raging hormones
that attack and kill anything that comes in sight, so if your colt allows
you to lead it without a stud chain and whip, he’s got to be one in a
million and kept as a stud because his “calm tempered” genetics need to be
passed on to future generations!

BE VERY SELECTIVE-OR NOT AT ALL:

Actual ad excerpts:

“Free to a Parelli Home”

“She’ll go to the first person to come see her.”

Nothing says responsible horse owner like selling to the first person to
express interest, whether it be to buy for riding or meat.

These two just speak for themselves:

“Will Trade for Cattle”
“May be willing to trade colt for a nice Tennessee Walker saddle.”

DON’T FEED YOUR HORSE ENOUGH

pic*

Horses that have protruding bones not only show us that you are financially
conscientious (what real horse person would spend excess money on feed?) but
we can also evaluate the horse’s internal as well as external conformation.

SELL YOUR HORSE BECAUSE HE’S USELESS

Them thar bleedin’ heart horse lovers is a bunch of sissys. Real
horse people beat their horses when they act up and sell’m when they ain’t
no good no more. Show us you’re a real horse person by getting rid of the
animals that no longer bring you a profit. Because horses are just a part of
business, not much different than selling used vehicles or buying new
clothes when they are no longer in style. It’s not like they should be
retired or cared for in their old age for all they’ve done for you during
their life.

20 YO chestnut mare:
“She had been and is a great mare… she has a stud colt by her side and is
breed back to

for an 09 foal. She is a sound breeder,
color producer. I’ve had her sice she was 4 and she no longer fits my
program.”

YOUR HORSE’S POTENTIAL

Tell us everything your horse ever could be potentially good at
doing in the future. Does your horse have four legs and a head? Then he
might be the next triple crown winner! Or perhaps he’ll be a champion at
jumping, dressage, barrels, or breeding!

Your pony could even be a pony, as one person wrote:
“She will make a great pony prospect.”
We would have never figured that out on our own.

“He is really great at everything he does. He is a fast learner with tons of
potiential. His bloodlines are all talented riding horses.”

If your horse has working or semi-functional genitalia make sure you
also list them as having “breeding potential”!

Has your 2 year old unregistered quarterloosarabian with three working legs
bred with the donkey next door when he broke down the barbed wire fence
resulting in an offspring that survived birth? Be sure to list him as a
“proven breeder”!

GRAMMAR

Nothing is more fun for a potential buyer than trying to decipher cryptic
horse sale ads. The worse your spelling and grammar, the more potential
buyers will remember it—what a smart marketing strategy!

These are some great examples from actual ads posted online:

“I ahve 3 poines Paint Mare pony is 7 year old she is in foal. Broke to
ride. She is 39 inches Paint Stud pony 5 years old. broke to ride.38 inches
Pony colt he is 36 inches. Asking 350 each or 1000 for all.”

“finnish in your direction.” Does the horse speak Finnish?

“he is a 5 yr. old that needs some one. owner just dont need him and wants
to have a good home.he is a good boy but aint been rode in while and now has
only 30 days back in the saddle. all paper work . will load and do what you
want.”

She would best suit an eprienced rider, only because she has alot of energy
that can be unvercing.

Need some more tips or inspiration on how not to sell your horse? It’s easy;
Go online and search for “Horses For Sale”. Great terrible examples can be
found in many ads, but the best tend to come from horses that are
unregistered or priced at less than $1,000. Spend a little time reading sale
ads and you’ll come up with some great tips!

 

 


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