Letter to My Pets:
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in my way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print
in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR
plate and food. (hand print)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help in your
quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Honest.
Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time—canine
or feline attendance is not mandatory.
I can’t stress this one enough—kiss me, THEN go smell the other