Animal Jokes

The American Way

by Rebecca on June 29, 2014

in Animal Jokes

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if
they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole
world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the
world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in
the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his
siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and
after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever
seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody
could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange
animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the
Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly
last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the
Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian
dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the
American dachshund. But, when it got close
enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and
consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the
Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We
don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in
the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

by Rebecca on June 28, 2014

in Animal Jokes

As answered by some well-known people:

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was good enough for us.

NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?


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