Basic Rules for Horses

by Rebecca on September 20, 2006

in Animal Jokes

Basic Rules For Horses Who Have A Barn To Protect

THE ART OF SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is
your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.

NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh
– a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the
barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night
while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure
feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night
and hearing you, “Neigh, neigh, neigh…”

STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never—
quite—- stomp on the barn cat’s tail. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry…. chew on
your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.

FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of
your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you
appreciate their hard work.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack,
especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the
hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time
they’re cleaning your stall – and we all know how humans love a
challenge (that’s what they said when they bought you as a two year
old, right?).

DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you
and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just
out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase
you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.

GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail with
your owner, never relieve yourself on your own lawn.

HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the
paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes
all over so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on
one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are
never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help
correct this problem.

GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as
much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the
ground know who’s boss and impresses your human.

NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately
before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to
rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry
it off, too.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use
one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don’t injure
yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol’ vet,
not you!

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back
and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at
this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your
tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern.

Ruleset #2: For Horses with a Human Family to Support

Shots: Humans are characteristically nervous when providing veterinary
care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise your head,
immediately after the injection, and provide a swinging vine.
Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back and
forth on the lead rope while screaming primeval noises.

Rain: Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers, who need
to constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick either your
head or butt beyond the reach of your roof. Your human will
instinctively (being the stimulus/response creatures that they are)
move you to a new stall, and make a new roof for you later.

Shoeing: Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification. After a
good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around afterwards to show
your human how nice the shoes fit. The next day, drag one foot when
you walk, to provide your little busy body with yet another project to
work on.

Children: Human children require much nurturing in order to develop a
healthy self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter to an adult rider.
However, permit the child the honor of the right lead. Older children
may be denied the first one or two canter cues, in order to prepare
them for adulthood. Very young children MUST be given the right lead
on the very first try.

Marriage: Your personal human attendant may also have a spouse, who
professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant brings the non-equus
spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable amounts of charm on
the non-equus spouse, and more importantly, you must act fearful of
your personal human attendant. This process must continue until such
time as the non-equus spouse converts to full equinity, or ‘teases’
your attendant with a 2X4, as a prelude to the mating ritual.

Passover: Humans possess a thing called ‘a sense of humor’. This is a
delightful emotional sensation that is caused by the sight or sound of
things that are out of the ordinary. You can facilitate this by
providing unusual situations to trigger the laughter response. On the
first day of a 3 day weekend, when your attendant shows up with some
of his turn-out buddies, fart loudly, then fall to the ground and
stick your tongue out. The sights and sounds you provide will
stimulate the necessary laughter response.

The Passing of a Loved One: When one of your best turn-out friends has
gone to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will
require much comforting, as they themselves fear that they will go
next. Humans are instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by
making deep hacking and wheezing coughs, that produce voluminous amounts of
Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that he’s not the next
one to go.

Ballet Slippers: Your human attendant will often risk his safety by
wearing shoes that might not provide full protection from hazardous
ranch situations. You can correct (not punish) this behaviour by
applying pressure to the unprotected foot. Humans are known to move
away from pressure, but only after making loud noises. Keep pressure
applied until your human responds correctly to this cue.

*Author Unknown*

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